RAW

We stay in our “comfort zone” because it’s what we know.  Why?  What are we afraid of?  Will we be chastised for our doing?  Will we be looked upon differently?  We as people tend to put on a facade.  We sometimes talk, walk, and even act like what others expect of us.  I know there are exceptions.  I've seen people act a certain way that make me think "why on earth would they say that in front of someone else?" or "why would that person just deliberately go out of his/her way to hurt them?".  Trust me, I know we see people do and act on a different level than most of us would never even consider doing.

However, I am talking about what we as people do to protect one another - what we hide from one another—what we do for our families, friends or even co-workers.  My kids see what I show them.  My husband, my friends, they all see what I show them.

I never thought about this until one day when I became sick.  See, today is a very special day for me because it’s the one year anniversary for being cancer free.  I kept quiet for the longest time because I needed to stay in my “comfort zone”, to not only protect myself but to protect others around me.  But, it was time.  It was time to open up.

I remember this one particular day I just had to let go.  My emotions were so bottled up, and I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to.  My husband was at work, and I had 3 out 4 of my kid’s home with me.  There was no way I was going to let loose of my rage, my sadness, and my (to be brutally honest) totally pissed-off state-of-mind in front of my 5, 7 and 9 year old children.  So, I took a shower.  That was the one place I thought I could hide, at least for the briefest of moments.  I thought wrong.  In the midst of a total breakdown, I heard the faintest voice.  I immediately opened my eyes and saw my 5 year old peering around the shower curtain at me.  He asked, "Mommy, are you okay?"

It was at that moment that I realized I needed to be upfront with them.  I need to break out of my comfort zone and be honest with them.  That night, a lot of tears were shed, and a lot of questions were asked.  My husband and I did the best we could with a strong look plastered to our faces.  It was one of the “rawest” moments of my life.  I had to bare it all.  I bore as much as I possibly could to 3 little faces that nearly broke my heart.  Kids should never have to see as much as they have seen over the past two years as my kids have seen.  I know there is worse out there in this crazy world we live in, but to the purest of minds, and yes, I’m being biased, after all, these are my kids I’m talking about, who I would give my life for, kids who do plenty wrong themselves, they should never have to face a grown up situation just yet.

I have friends who have sick children, and that to me, is the worst that I can imagine.  Kids should never have to go through Hell at such a young age or any age for that matter.

That moment in the shower broke me.  However, it made me realize that it’s okay to let others in.  Let them help.  I have to say that going through cancer, and beating it, was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me.  I have such a better outlook on life and my kids, friends, and family who had to watch me, appear to have a better respect for life as well.

It’s okay to be “raw”.